Monday 19 May 2014

Today I Am Mostly Annoying Myself

It seems really wrong to be all negative when the sun is shining and has been all weekend, but this post is a little mini rant at myself - I am sorry, but from time to time these things need to be done.

To be honest, I couldn't decide if I should post this or not, but hey ho, it's going live.

Partly because over the past few days, putting on my ever "shrinking" clothes - firstly before the Roxy Lanes event on Thursday (here) and then to meet Gary Cockerill on Saturday - has totally forced my hand.

They have been total meltdown moments because nothing I own fits me anymore.

And I'm really annoyed with myself because at the grand age of thirty, I'm obviously still hung up on the whole perfect body image idea and I'm doing my own head in stressing out about it.

None of the clothes in my my wardrobe fit me 'just right' anymore and it's really getting to me, which is why my mood has been a tad foul to say the least recently.

Let me just point out that I'm by no means the largest I have ever been, and by no means the smallest - I'm just kind of in the middle, but it's not a "middle" that I'm personally happy with.

People - my family and friends - are always telling me "There's nothing on you, stop being silly" and then I feel even worse because "Should I be stressing?" "Why do I think this way if no-one else does?"

It's just crazy.

But the thing is, I know my own body and I know how much my own body loves food.

Some people think I have a warped obsession with food or that I don't eat - trust me it isn't an "obsession" - I love food - and there's no way I'd be able to starve myself.
I enjoy eating too much.

What the issue is, is that I know I am getting bigger - my issue with buttons not meeting on clothes anymore is a prime example - and I don't like it.

Once upon a time, I was four stones heavier than I am now - during my pregnancy - but it had nothing to do with baby, I just ate very excessively.

And then after baby was born, I spent years weighing in at two stones heavier than I am currently.
I hated that too.

Both of these are highly likely to be reasons as to why I've spent the best part of the last six years "on a diet" of some sort.

The majority of the time my "diet" of choice has been Slimming World (which I know isn't technically a "diet", more a healthy eating plan), but I've mixed it up a little over the years and there have been the odd others thrown in too.

~ There was Weight Watchers for a short time

~ There was the Paleo diet for an even shorter time

None of them really suited me at all.

I like to eat real food - so Slimming World has won me back over every time.

I can't just go it alone either - it seems I have to have some sort of a structure to my eating, because when I don't it's just a case of "give me all of the biscuits" - all day, everyday.
Having some sort of "rules" keeps me on the straight and narrow.

Most of the time.

It's these "other times" though which cause me the problem.
I have found that if I waver from what I know I should be eating, even a little, because I'm not happy with my body right now, I end up feeling really guilty and negative towards my self.

The guilt creeps in if I decide to have that chocolate biscuit one evening with my cuppa, or if on a weekend I decide on a whim that it's takeaway night.

I know I need more willpower to just say no to the things I shouldn't be eating - I mean eating them won't help me feel better about myself now will it.
For example, eating yummy, teeny burgers at a beauty event won't do a thing to help the pounds drop off.

But even so, why is there so much guilt created?

It's not as if it's anything really severe.

But it's there without fail

Guilt, Guilt, Guilt.

It's crazy.

And it makes me feel terrible.

So terrible in fact that me - lover of all the stodgy, carb loaded food - has felt a real failure lately and has recently contemplated starting up a juice diet to "kick start" my healthiness again.

But what am I "Kick Starting" exactly!?

I mean it's not that bad - I went to weigh in last Monday night after two, what I called "disastrous weeks" and I had managed to maintain my weight - so why did I worry and stress, and feel all low before I stepped on the scales?

Goodness knows.

I'm still allowing myself to succumb to the perception that weight gain is bad - despite the circumstances it happens under and I am attempting to keep myself as far away from any calorific food as much as I can.

This factor has even raised it's ugly head at events I've attended in the past too.

Take for example the fact that I was way too excited when myself and Kelly attended the Manchester Mind Body Soul Exhibition (see here) a few weeks ago because we came across a Yogi Tea stall.

Now I'm not familiar with Yogi Tea at all, but obviously, we stopped, what with Kelly being the tea lover that she is, and then my eyes were immediately drawn to a box of tea labelled "Snack Tea" and I quickly asked the Yogi Tea lady for a bit more info.

Basically, Snack Tea is designed to suppress the appetite between meals and prevent sweet cravings from getting out of hand.



You guessed it

I now have a box of Snack Tea sat on my desk at work.

I mean, come on - surely at thirty I really shouldn't care that much.

Yes, be healthy and active, but why so bothered?

But I obviously am.

And after all of the years I've spent wanting to reach and remain a certain weight, I don't think I'll be able to rid myself of my "guilt feelings" - not over night anyway.

But I wish I could.

I mean surely, on occasion, that extra prawn cracker or slice of bread isn't going to hurt.

And so what if this week I've put a few pounds on for going out with my friends and enjoying a fab afternoon indulging in a large slice of cake.

So what??

Body Image Dilemmas - pah!

Guilt - pah!

"Annoyed At Me" Rant Over...For Now...

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